The Witch Nichang- Chapter 95 Answer

The Witch Nichang– Chapter 95

Answer

Had it been back then, I would have felt a twinge in my heart the moment I heard the rejection. But I was calmer than I thought.

Perhaps it was because, since the beginning of this long journey, I had noticed and remembered every minor change in her. As these changes accumulated, they added to my confidence—in her and in our relationship. So, at this moment, even though I was a little disappointed, I didn’t despair.

Lian’er was chuckling in the firelight’s glow, as if lost in some funny imagination. While she was laughing, I took a deep breath of the night air and kneaded my brows, taking the moment to compose myself. It was then that I realized there was something off with the conversation earlier.

Maybe the conversation came too soon, and I started getting nervous. I got swept along by her train of thought and started talking about men and women. I understood why it made her laugh. If I were to imagine Lian’er as a man, I would find it just as absurd and uncomfortable. Though what she said about not wanting to be married to me still bothered me a little.

I hugged my knees, staying silent as I collected myself, waiting for Lian’er to finish laughing and continue the conversation. Her laughter was infectious, and it seemed even more vibrant in the flickering firelight. I couldn’t help but smile watching her. Looking at her laugh, my heart slowly settled until it returned to tranquility. Perhaps she could sense that I was looking, her laughter died down. Even though she had stopped, her face still glowed with delight. She turned to look at me, her brows relaxed and her eyes bright. I wanted to speak, but the moment our eyes met, I chose not to because she obviously had something to say.

“I’m neither a man, nor do I wish to be one. And you couldn’t be a dude either. Since it’s all nonsense, what’s the point of talking about it?” She opened her mouth and said with a dismissive smile, “Let’s just drop this conversation, shall we?” Her suggestion happened to be what I had thought earlier. There was no reason to say no. I gave her a brisk nod, but in my mind, I was wondering what she would say next. This time, no matter what she said, I wouldn’t panic.

“So…” Lian’er didn’t know what was going on in my mind. Perhaps this had been bothering her for a while, she was unusually talkative. She went on, “since the truth is neither of us can be a man, where does this love between a man and a woman come in? Isn’t that strange? You keep telling me to think it through, but every time I reach this point, I can’t go any further. So, I’ve only figured out a little. Do you understand?” She added the last part as if she was explaining something complicated, afraid I might not get it. I nodded with a smile to show I understood. This world was nothing like the world I used to live in. It was difficult enough for the average person to understand this kind of love, let alone for Lian’er who had grown up in the woods, unbound by the worldly ways. The fact that she had come this far by herself spoke to her intelligence.

Or I have been too selfish. I’m just being a coward with all these excuses.

I saw the confusion on her face as these thoughts went through my mind, so I spoke, determined, “Lian’er, have you…” Even though I had decided to make it clear, when I opened my mouth, trying to speak, it was as though something lodged in my throat. I hesitated when the words were about to come out of my mouth, and they turned into, “Have you… have you forgotten? I never said it’s love between a man and a woman. Do you remember? I said the third kind of love for me is romantic love.”

After the words came out, I felt deflated. As they said, old habits die hard. It wasn’t easy to get rid of decades of bad habits. Yet beneath the dismay, there was hope.

In the glow of the blazing fire, the girl sitting beside me didn’t immediately answer my question but tilted her head to look at the fire, her brows knitted ever so slightly, her eyes gleaming with thoughts. Even though she had never been fond of studying, Lian’er learned astoundingly fast. Seeing her deep in her thoughts, I chose not to disturb her, leaving her alone in her thoughts and waiting in silence.

The atmosphere fell still once more. There was no laughter or conversation. The desolation and silence of this place returned. Although the wind wasn’t strong, blocked by the ruin structures, its howling echoed through the night. Every time when I heard its howl, I tossed two more pieces of useless furniture into the bonfire that had piled to the height of a person. The dry woods cracked and hissed as they joined the fire.

There is nothing to see about the blazing fire. No matter how pleasant it was to look at Lian’er, watching her with my head turned for too long made my neck sore. I looked away and up at the starry sky as I leaned back on my elbows.

The stars were just as brilliant as they had been the other nights, and the last time we sat together by a fire under the starry sky had been… the night when we were searching for water. As my thoughts wandered, something came into my mind, and I found myself biting my lips.

As I was spacing out, I heard a rustling sound. By the time I noticed, Lian’er had done the same as me, leaning down and resting on her elbows. The difference was she was leaning forward and resting slightly taller than me. As we were close to each other, she was within my sight, blocking a corner of the sky.

Too close. It was so close that I felt a little shy. I wanted to turn away, but before I could, her hand reached out and cupped my face.

“Lian’er!” This gesture was anything but proper. I had no idea where she had learned it from. Aside from being surprised, a torrent of emotions swirled within me as I called her in exasperation. I was about to ask her to let go, but she said with a grin, “You really are terrible. You made me fuss over this, but you lie here enjoying the stars instead. That’s not fair.”

Although Lian’er said that with a grin on her face, her words struck me. In some ways, she was right. I knew the answer, and I could have told her, but I wanted her to think instead. I was terrible for… sitting by and watching, right?

A wave of guilt washed over me. My reluctance from earlier dissipated, and I stopped resisting, letting her hold my chin as she pleased. But Lian’er was competitive and liked to fight. When she saw me give in, she lost interest, and her grip slackened. Her eyes moved, as if something had occurred to her, and her grin widened. Before I could react, she leaned in, and warmth brushed my lips. The touch was fleeting, but it was the first time she had been so close to me since the time she had fed me water. In contrast to the distance between us over the past few days, I found myself liking this kind of intimacy despite knowing I shouldn’t. But because of what I had said earlier, I cleared my throat and leaned back after that peck, protesting as my eyes wandered, “Lian’er, have you forgotten what I said…”

“Yes, of course I remember. You said that before I figured it out and found an answer, we can’t do this.” Lian’er interrupted me, drawling. She rolled her eyes, looking dismissive. Then she got serious. She lowered her head and looked at me with a soft smile, “What if I’ve already found my answer?” she asked.

The distance between us was small. She was talking while she was leaning forward. Over her shoulders, I could see the glow of firelight and the distant expanse of the starry sky. As she was facing against the light, I couldn’t see her expression, leaving me uncertain with no way to read her face. The uncertainty left me adrift and untethered. But the girl didn’t realize and went on, “So from the very start, you’ve hidden the true meaning within your words, and yet, you had me racking my brain over it. I was wondering why you are making a simple thing like the love between a man and a woman so complicated. Could it be that you were trying to say that the third kind of love can exist even if it’s not between a man and a woman?”

Right on the mark!

It was right on the mark, but my heart remained suspended. My face was so stiff that it hurt, and my expression remained blank, neither surprised nor elated. None of the emotions I expected to feel came.

I didn’t know how Lian’er might interpret my reaction, but she seemed to be in a good mood or still relishing in her revelation. She continued along her train of thought, musing, “If that’s the case, even though we are both women, we can still love each other romantically. That doesn’t sound so bad. We already like each other anyway. We promised to stay together through life and death. You shouldn’t get married anyway. Just stay by my side.”

While she was thinking out loud, I felt my heart sinking as it grew heavier and heavier. But it wasn’t too bad because at least it would end up on the ground when it sank far enough.

At last, I could blink again. When I closed my eyes, it stung a little, but the stiffness in my face eased because of the movement. I let out a puff of laughter, masking a sigh, sat up, and said, “Lian’er, romantic love is not something that you’d have because you say so, nor something that would just happen by doing what’ve you said.”

“No?” She sat up too when she saw me doing the same. Sitting face-to-face, she asked, puzzled, “Then what else is there? People say the point of getting into a relationship is to get married, to have each other by their side and grow old together. We’ve agreed on this before. I’ve done the things that only those in love can do with you, and you’re fine with them. So, what else could there be?”

Lian’er spoke without thinking, not knowing what she was saying. I squirmed at that, but I didn’t want to dwell on it. I shifted from sitting to being on my knees, straightened up, and grabbed her shoulders. Solemnly, I said, “Listen, Lian’er. This third kind of love is different from the other two. A person can have many relatives and friends, but there’s only one whom they love that way, and only one. Once that choice is made, you give all of you to them, and they become the most important person to you.”

“Yeah.” She listened earnestly while I was being serious. Then she nodded and said, “That’s not a problem. You’re the most important person to me. I don’t like anyone else as much as I like you. Maybe Master if she’s still around, but she has passed. The dead don’t count, right?”

There was no reason for her to lie. It warmed my heart to hear that. But it wasn’t the right time. I didn’t have time to savor it. The words were on the tip of my tongue, like a nocked arrow. I had no time to think about the consequences, whatever they might be. I wanted to guide her slowly, waiting for her to come to the realization on her own. But I realized she understood the concept but not the feelings, so I could only confirm it in the most direct way. Was this the right thing to do? I didn’t know. Perhaps I had been holding back for so long, I could no longer wait.

“Lian’er, you know being the most important one is not just about liking them the most.” Locking my eyes with hers, I said with my teeth clenched, “When I said, ‘to give all of you’ and when you said, ‘to have each other.’ Do you truly understand what that means?” That means giving yourself over entirely. If we were to pledge our love, I’ll give all of me to you, and from then on, I would be only yours.”

“Wouldn’t that be great? You’re supposed to listen to me anyway when we are together.” The girl laughed light-heartedly. She seemed to only care about the last part, not truly understanding the weight of the words. And what she hadn’t understood was what I worried about the most.

“But Lian’er, let me ask you…” No matter how worried I was, I had to ask, “Then in return, would you be willing to give all of you to me? Would you be willing to, from now on, be only mine? Hmm?” Slowly, I spoke word by word, my eyes fixed on her, unwavering.

In that instant, in the firelight, I thought I saw from her face—the flicker of uncertainty and hesitation.

That night, she never gave me an answer.

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